Rehumanizing Motherhood: From Object to Subject

A psychodynamic perspective on how mothers can reclaim the fullness of their humanity within a culture that strives to place them into a narrow box.

In Psychodynamic theory, subjectivity refers to the capacity for someone to view themselves as a subject rather than an object; as a being who is able to recognize and communicate their own inner feelings, thoughts, preferences and inner world.

Subjectivity involves not only having an inner life (we all do), but being able to recognize oneself as the authority of one’s own thoughts, feelings and experiences and being able to communicate these to the outside world.

One of the fastest ways to dehumanize someone is to perceive them as an object, lacking in their own thoughts, opinions, preferences and feelings.

Instead, one imposes a set of one’s own expectations onto another - making them an object, a mere recipient of another’s beliefs and expectations rather than a subject with their own.

The Objectification of Mothers in Western Culture

A psychodynamic framework would argue that the process of objectification begins in childhood - with caregivers failing to accurately mirror a child’s emotional needs and growing sense of self, and instead, projecting their own needs onto the child to fulfill.

The child then becomes an object meant to conform to the caregiver’s expectations and desires, rather than recognizing themselves as a separate being with their own thoughts, preferences and inner life that is worthy of knowing.

This process of objectification in childhood is further perpetuated by social and cultural norms that perceive mothers as objects meant to be used for extraction and nurturance, with little support being given back to her.

I’d argue that it’s common to find mothers in Western culture being viewed as objects meant to conform to narrowly defined ideas about what “good” motherhood and wife-hood should be according to society / culture without care for the struggles and responsibilities she may be carrying within.

New mothers can struggle with accessing their subjectivity when the world around them views them as an object. They may often have their subjectivity denied, invalidated, or dismissed by family members, partners, doctors, and other social systems; thereby making their inner worlds, desires, needs, feelings and preferences less accessible even to themselves.

It can be difficult for mothers to have the space and time necessary to go inward to fully tend to the landscape of her own thoughts, needs and feelings due to the sheer magnitude of responsibility placed on her to do all or most of the caregiving of a new infant in isolation, or, with a partner who has typically not been socially taught how to support and care for a new mother and baby.

On A Personal Note

I must admit - the part of myself I miss the most during these early months of new motherhood is access to the richness of my inner world.

Before motherhood, I used to be able to retreat into the far corners of my mind where access to my own ideas, imagination, and desires lay.

After giving birth and for these 8 months afterwards - I am constantly grasping to bits and pieces of my subjectivity - my access to be able to know myself as I am in the process of becoming and unbecoming.

Accessing Our Inner Life During The “In-Between” Moments of a Day

So much of motherhood is lived in the in-between. In-between these moments of complete presence with my child, I come home to a part of myself inside that asks for my attention. How am I feeling? How am I loving? How exhausted or alive am I?

I try to ask myself these questions in those brief in-between moments.

The energy I receive from the answers I grasp during these moments fuels me for the following hours of the day and night.

There is a process to re-humanizing ourselves as mothers in a society that asks us to do the most dehumanizing thing - to do everything, for everyone else, while forgetting ourselves completely.

Re-humanizing ourselves as mothers involves doing whatever we can to access our own inner selves: our thoughts, feelings, dreams, wishes, desires, needs, fears, and hopes.

Because the more we keep striving to know who we truly are and what our emotions and needs are trying to convey to us - the more we will ask for more from the world around us - from our partners, workplaces, communities and social systems. The less inequality we will tolerate. The more we will want for ourselves and for our families.

The more we come home to knowing ourselves - the more we will dare to step outside the boxes that have been narrowly carved for us to squeeze into.

Our children benefit from seeing their mothers embracing their humanity because the more we can embrace our fullest, most messy humanness - the more we can embrace theirs. The more we can access our own subjectivity, the less we will see our own children as objects that are meant to fulfill what we cannot fill within ourselves.

My wish for your next phase of motherhood is to spend as much time as possible, even in the small in-between moments, carving out space to access your inner world and to bring who you are becoming - to life.